Earlier this year I had to let go of a relationship that I had invested my heart and soul into. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. My track record with men is not the best I have the tendency to give my all to someone and am left being in a committed relationship on my own. At the age of 42, most of my close friends are either in a relationship, married, or divorced. In my family I am the only cousin who is not married and the only one that has had a child out of wedlock (my mom has been noting that point is a bit of a trigger for me—Geechi see’s all). While 2020 has not been the year that I anticipated it has in an odd turn of events been the year that I have needed.
2020 has oddly been about introspection and addressing areas of my life that have been consistently ignored. During this time I have focused on my mantra of “CST—Create Space girl and Thrive”. During the last 8 months there are 3 things that I am proud of doing:
Until I could do that fully and routinely I was no good to anyone and my desire to help others would be nothing but hollow and empty. I have also been learning that self-care can look like many different things. My narrow view of selfceare involved a period of significant uninterrupted time to rest, relax, pamper myself. As a single working mom it’s hard to carve out a big chunk of time to devote to just myself. Even so when I would carve out that time I would feel guilty and often that I was imposing on others to handle my responsibility. This resulted in me feeling run down, overwhelmed and depressed. So often as a women of color I felt I was failing others. It was a hard realization that in actuality I was failing myself. So now selfceare looks different than what I envisioned. Self-care takes the form of journaling, blogging, working out, meditating, reading a book even if it’s only for 2-3 minutes at a time. I make it a priority to get some time in every day just for myself, my goals, and my dreams.
After the birth of my son the feeling that I had repressed began to resurface. I started my blog seeking to write about my experiences as a single working mother as a way to satisfy that passion. The more I wrote the more I have longed and now have decided to invest in my passion to bring authorship to fruition. The more I denied the the passion to seek authorship the quieter my voice became for my blog. I finally decided the listen. The further I have come in the process my voice has become louder. Stay turned for my newest project that I can’t wait to announce soon!
walking away from a situation where I had invested my time, my hopes, and had invested dreams in a situation where I was not valued fully. In addition to that feeling pressure not from others but from myself to have what I saw others have. Not in a “Keeping up with the Jonses” manner but more of falling wedded to the dream that I came close to settling for less than what I deserve. Often we focus on others not valuing our worth that sometimes we neglect that we must value our worth as well and walk away from situations that no longer serve or honor our worth despite the investment of time and feelings.
Embracing my imperfection and striving for perfection through grace.