Before my son’s conception and birth I was a Disney fan.  I cut my teeth on the likes of Pinocchio, Fantasia, Bambi, Snow White, and many others.  When I found out I was pregnant on of the many dreams I had was of passing my love of Disney to my little one.  I dreamed of taking him to Disney Land and Disney World and walking all over and being joyfully entertained with the in person recreation of characters that we love on screen.

In 2013 Frozen came out and took the world by storm.  “Let it Go” played everywhere and tons of children were singing it and I was disgusted.  Completely overloaded I made a vow then that of all the movies in Disney I would never let my child watch Frozen.

Flash forward to this year; my little one using his iPad managed to rent Frozen on Amazon Prime.  We can talk about why I didn’t have safeguards in place to prevent him from renting and buying movies later.  My cure that he had watched it was him humming the melody.  Ahh it had happened!  One night when I said we could watch any movie he loudly announce “FROZEN!”  Icy terror gripped my heart.  I suggested Moana, The Little Mermaid, or another favorite of his Turbo.  “No,” he proclaimed he wanted Frozen.  Reluctantly I selected Frozen as he crawled into may lap.  I figured I would surf IG while the movie was on.  As the movie started the “Na na na heyana” stopped me cold.  I put the phone down and watched.  I immediately was transported back to younger days when at the age of 16 hearing the opening of the Lion King.  I was hooked.

Now we sing along the the songs and we watch it several times a day.  What I feared became true, my son and I have fallen prey to the wonderful magnitude of Disney Magic.  The same excitement and passion I had when I first watched the Lion King was now emerging in my little one.  While I know that his tastes may change and movies will come and go as his titled favorite; I will never forget us sitting nestled together in my brown leather chair, that I used to rock him to sleep when he was a newborn baby, as we discovered the magic of Frozen.

 I can not bear to say their names any longer they haunt my dreams.  Dreams turning into nightmares stealing into the day causing me to jump at shadows.  Through my pregnancy I hoped that would have a daughter and prayed that I would not have a son.  My son was born and my heart was elated but my worry began.  As he grows my worry grows and I am left helpless and powerless.

A war was waged in response to the outcry of the Jewish Community due to the atrocities waged by the Nazi population.  From 1941-1945.  What war has been waged to address the 400+ years of enslavement, lynchings, rape, marginalization, discrimination, unfair imprisonment, ‘recommended’ sterilization of blacks for sentence reduction, financial imprisonment, substandard schools and access to food, tainted water sources, sanctioned murder guised as police arrest tactics, sanctioned murder under the stench of “stand your ground” rights, approved assassination poorly camouflaged as “no knock warrants”, ad nauseam.

So instead of saying their names I say the names of my elected officials.  I say their names as they come up for election.  Instead of miring in fields of hopelessness I entrench in the evidence of my elected officials—what policies they support, what record have they produced, what do they stand and fall for.  Instead of saying their names I will write to the leaders that I elect requesting action on behalf of those that have been lost.  I will write their names to those I elect to protect me and my family.  Instead of saying their names I will say the names of those that say they are my “friend” but remain silent as I live in fear.  Those “friends” who do not understand why I cry, why I am afraid, what it means to be an ally—I will talk with them educate them have the difficult conversations.  I will say the names of those who feel that they are too busy to vote, those who do not understand the value of voting. 

1. If over 4 weeks old Corn: frozen, canned, or fresh NOT POPCORN​
   
2. Cucumber
3. If over 4 weeks old Peas
4. Scrambled eggs
5. Dry cat/dog food
6. Rice
7. Bananas NO PEEL
8. Carrots
9. Broccoli and or Cabbage
10. Lettuce 

The time after that is merely guiding, shaping, and helping the seeds I plant grow.  Every child is different and every child learns differently.  As a child I was spanked however I do not use that as justification as to why I may spank my son.  I mention it because it’s important to know and acknowledge ones background.

I would like to start off by stating that there is a difference between spanking your child and beating/abusing your child just like there is a difference between art and pornography.  My approach differs from that of my parents which focused (as I remember) mostly on spanking as the prime deterrent after verbal correction failed. 

As my son became of the age where discipline tools where needed I initially started with counting. 

Counting initially didn’t work.  I remember when it began to have significance was when I popped him on his hand.  Before you get alarmed let me apprise you of the situation…he was about to touch something hot that could have burned him and I popped his hand away—instinctively to keep him from hurting himself.  He cried, I cried, and apologized profusely because I had not intended to pop him but it was an instinctive reaction and because of that instinct I had caused him harm.  I cried because at the time I felt he was afraid and that the source of his fees was me.  That was never my intention, never my goal, never my aim.  

I read an article back in 2019 that caused me to pause and think about my parenting style; “I’m A Black Mom And I Don’t Spank My Children”
While I appreciate the article because I think as parents it’s important that we hear all sides, consider all opinions when it comes to something so sensitive and personal as disciplining our children; the article left me frustrated because in it she failed to expound on her methods of disciplining her children without spanking them.  Truly a lot of articles I have read about the “evils of corporal punishment” or spanking (as I term it) as a method of disciplining your child fail to provide parents with alternative solutions. 
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​I am a firm believer that as a parent I have about the first seven years to instill in my child the morals, beliefs, discipline, etc that I want him to have. {According to Geechi it's 6! 🧑🏾‍🦳}

​After that, I went into a slight depression and began to indulge him in everything that he wanted, to try and make up for my “error”.  My apologizing just didn’t seem enough to me and I fell into the trap of trying to use things to buy my son’s affection/forgiveness.  Luckily, my mom educated me that I was not going to be a perfect parent but that I was a perfect parent for Jeremy and I needed to remember that!

So I moved to including Time Out.  Because I live with my parents this was a double challenge because it requires consistency and buy in from the grandparents.  The first time I tried it it seemed to have an impact.  I accidentally thought that his requests to go “potty” was a stall tactic so we had a slight accident 🤦🏾‍♀️.  After I cleaned him up we talked about appropriate behavior and what mommy expects.  We hugged and then he went back to playing a little wiser.  This methods has become a great addition to my arsenal as he gets older.
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I realize that while my child is not an adult he do have feelings and desires 🤯.  Go figure!  Just like there are days when  I don’t want to go to work or times I don’t want to clean or wash the dishes; he feels that way too so I need to take that into consideration.  Now, I’m not saying that if he doesn’t feel like picking up his toys it’s okay to not do it; but acknowledging that feeling verbally to him and explaining that it still has to be done has helped. 

In the hustle of life it’s easy to discipline but what about praising?  When I see Jeremy doing things correctly or displaying good behavior I praise him for it.  I try to set a goal that for every time I discipline incorrect behavior I praise good behavior.  It can get a little tricky when you have others who correct your child (aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, heck even strangers) but it’s important to try.  My goal no matter what is to praise him 3x a day for good behavior at the very least. 

What’s your posture?  Are you standing over your child or are you eye to eye with them.  Getting “on his level” helps him pay attention and focus.  It also changes the dynamics and imparts a shared goal or feeling; and air of mutual respect.  I leaned this trick in medical school when talking with patients.  If I’m talking about serious health issues or engaging in a discussion; I always sit down.  No one wants to be lectured over,  not even me!

Anyone who knows me knows I despise repeating myself.  Raising a toddler I find that repeating myself raises my frustration level which is not his fault.  As a toddler his attention span is smaller than a gnat 😝.  So my patience must my grow.  If I find myself getting more frustrated than the situation calls for I stop and evaluate is this a battle I’m willing to fight.  Not every battle is worth fighting, trust me.  Geechi (my mom for new readers) asked me once if Jeremy wanted to wear a black shoe and a red shoe would I let him do that.  I thought for a moment and asked are the shoes on the correct foot. She looked at me surprised and said “Yes”.  Then I said "Yep" I would.  It’s not a battle worth fighting.  I’d rather spend my energy elsewhere like getting him to eat foods he doesn’t like but are nutritious for him.  So take a moment, is the situation worth the escalation?  Also taking a moment helps me cool down a bit and remember that my frustration is heightened not by him but by my frustration at having to repeat myself which I need to put in check. 

Is spanking off the table completely for me?  No, it’s not.  Is it my first go to method of discipline?  No, it’s not.  Do I think hitting my child in anger teaches them that it’s okay to hit in anger?  Yes!  Should you ever hit your child in anger? No!  But here’s the crux that gets a lot of parents I’ve talked to—you shouldn’t discipline your child in anger either.  Time out, counting down, plucking, antagonizing, ignoring bad behavior, removing children from the situation techniques should NEVER be used in anger.  So when would I use spanking as a mode of discipline?  In short; willful disobedience.

So have I had to spank my 3 year old?  Not yet.  Do I think I ever will?  I hope not but if I do here are my rules:

Teaching a toddler new things can be a joy and a struggle.

Here are 5 things that I am using to help me as I'm teaching Jeremy how to brush his teeth.

Sing a Song:  I know it sounds crazy.  But for my little one brushing his teeth was an odd thing for him.  Sure I did it and he was cool with that but he was initially a little resistant to the actual brush and not my finger brush.  So capitalizing on his love of music I made up a song and involved him in the process

Take one for the team:  Sacrifice is sometimes needed to achieve your ultimate goal.  You mouth might be sore as well as your gums and tongue but letting your little on practice on you can be a great way to demonstrate there is nothing to fear and you can show you little one the correct way to hold her/his mouth as your brush their teeth to make sure the job is done.

Go to the Dollar Store:  Trust me!  I got suckered and bought my little one a character toothbrush and it lasted all of a week.  Before I knew it it was chewed up and the bristles were bent 🤦🏾‍♀️.  Imagine spending between $3.99 to $6.99 every week on a toothbrush.  So I quickly went to my local Dollar Store and picked up some tooth brushes.  They were a huge hit!  They came two to a pack which was $0.50 a brush and they had a little suction cup bottom which he finds entertaining.

Fluoride Free Toothpaste:  Yep it’s a bit expensive I’m not going to lie but at the beginning your little one is going to be eating and swallowing the toothpaste so you may end up having to use more than the recommended amount.  As your little one gets used to brushing their teeth and spitting vs swallowing then you can make the switch.

Brush together:  Kids mimic what they see us do.  As much as you may cherish your private bathroom time opening your door up and allowing your little one to see you engage in your grooming ritual will help them figure out what to do and how to do it.

Confidence is a state of flux for me.  It’s something that I constantly work on.  Why you might ask?  1) There is are always days when your girl is just not feeling it.  2) I’m always trying to enlarge my comfort zone and that can leave me in new territory and unsure.  3) There are those in the word who seek to undermine one’s confidence either because their are jealous or because they are ignorant or a combo of both. 

While there is fluctuations in my level of confidence (85%-97%) there are certain things I do to keep my tank as full as possible!

1. ​Daily Prayer and Affirmations:  this is a process that starts the moment I become aware of being awake.  Before my eyes open I pray and thank God for His many blessings.  I pray for strength, patience , and confidence to embrace the present of the day.  I eventually wake up and then I say by daily affirmations—they change based on my mood but they center around reminding myself that I am worthy, that I am loved and that no woman is more beautiful than when she is loved.

2. Careful selection of influencers/friends: While the term “influencer” is not my favorite term I really can’t come up with another one but I have a few select influencers that I follow on social media.  I follow them because they inspire me.  Their content is uplifting, positive, and funny.  It’s said that if you are the smartest  person in the room then you are in the wrong room.  I am careful with who my friends are.  I select friends that are strivers and doers.  Those that I can uplift and who uplift me.  Intentionality is key in confidence rebuilding and maintenance. 

3. Enlarging my comfort zone: While the journey of increasing my comfort zone can undermine my confidence on a basic level.  The fact that there are things I’m comfortable doing now that I wasn’t before is a motivator for me.  I look at where I am in my life and what I’ve overcome and realize that I can overcome what is before me!  What a great confidence builder past success is.  It’s important to acknowledge your past success and even failures.  However, do not rest on those laurels and strive for progress. 

​4.   Share and Uplift others: I know you might be thinking wait how is my uplifting of others going to help build my confidence?   Those who feel good about themselves find it easy to encourage others.  Having a positive outlook in others will turn inward and you will see the positive in your own life.  It’s a form of paying it forward.  It doesn’t detract from you to support, encourage, or compliment someone else.  Their smile will reflect back to you.  

It was here.  The time had come.  No matter how much I tried to ignore it my little one actually kept signaling that he was ready and I knew I needed to seize the opportunity.  I sought advice from friends, patients, Facebook groups, Google, etc.  The best advice I got was from my best friend who had just finished going through the process.  She recommended I get Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right By: Jamie Glowacki.  So I did!  Heck if it worked for her it had to work for me right?!?!

Well I’ll first say that it did!  Secondly it was not easy but then it’s not supposed to be.   While I highly recommend that you read the book well at least the first 5 chapters I’ll give a very simplified breakdown of how we went through the processes.

How wrong I was ??‍♀️.  At the beginning it was easy because he wasn’t very mobile but as mobility ensued I was doing good to wash my face in the shower.  I realized for me I needed to change my regimen because this was a self care moment that I was missing.  Probability and visibility at a moments notice was key with my active little one so I developed my “No Water Face Cleansing Routine”

Step 1:

Biore Charcoal Cleansing Micellar Water Facial Cleanser.

Okay so I know I said No Water but this does not count as water!  This has been the saving grace for me.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stopped while washing my face with soap stinging my eyes or even been applying the cream cleanser and then interrupted and forgotten where I was and put.  So enter the rescuer!!! I stumbled across this while searching for something to help clean my face was thinking about something pre-moistened and I do love the Biore products and thought I’d give it a try.  WIN WIN WIN!  This had becomes the beginning of my morning and night time face cleaning routine.

Step 2:

It depends on whether is the morning or the evening what my base is but they are both mixed with Odacité Pa+G Hyperpigmentation Facial Serum Concentrate.  I love this because it has been helping with addressing my post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation that I’ve had from years of plucking my chin hairs or using laser hair removal which caused a significant burn on my chin ?


AM:  Olay Luminous Miracle Boost Concentrate

Ever since I was little I’ve been an Olay girl.  I would sit and watch as my momma put this pink creme on her face and it would feel so smooth.  I’ve added this face serum to my repertoire to help fade my dark spots and even my skin tone.  


PM:  TruSkin Vitamin C Serum for Face, Topical Facial Serum with Hyaluronic Acid, Vitamin E.  

I added this based on the recommendation from a dermatologist friend to help reduce signs of aging and boost collagen production. 

Step 3:

AM: Olay Active Hydrating Beauty Moisturizing Lotion

I’ve tried other moisturizers however I always keep coming back to the “Triple O” as I call it—Oil Of Olay.  It leaves my skin feeling smooth, hydrated and soft.  Having combination skin it is difficult to find a moisturizer that hydrates but doesn’t leave my skin feeling oily or greasy.  Being allergic to sunscreen it is on of the few companies that still has moisturizers without sunscreen already added which is a plus for me!


PM: Oil of Olay Magnemask Infusion 3x a week and Olay Regenerist Luminous Overnight Mask:

I actually found the Magnemask Infusion on Amazon and it looked cool so I wanted to try it ??‍♀️ but they were sold out so I actually had to go to the website to purchase the starter kit.  I use this 3x a week and on the off days supplement with Olay Regenerist Luminous Overnight Mask.  I love bother products and my skin is more moisturized and supple since I started using them. 

For the last 2 years I have dreaded Father’s Day.  I felt that it served as a constant reminder that my son’s father is not ready to be a parent; not in a position to be a consistent presence in his life.  As the day drew near I would contemplate the day when he comes to me and asks where is his “father”.   The decision to protect my son from his father’s intermittent indifference and poor prioritization was a tough decision; but a necessary one. 

As a single mother of a son there is this stigma that we cannot raise capable, strong, emotionally healthy men.  I had so many well wishers tell me that if I was having a boy that the first thing I should realize is that I cannot raise a man on my own.  WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!!!! 

I began to rattle them off—dependable, honest, hardworking, responsible, independent, leader, listener, a lover, God fearing, on and on the list went.  As I wrote this list I realized immediately why she asked me to create this list.  All the things I listed were all the things and attributes that I have.  None of them were centered around any particular sexual orientation.  I began to cry.  Truthfully as I write this post and think back to that day I still cry.  It was a pivotal moment for me.  Yes I have a fears about raising a black male child in a society and climate that does not value his life but I can and will raise a son who will be a good man, a good father, a good husband.  The basis of all that I want him to be is rooted in one principle…LOVE

So I no longer fear Father’s Day; and I am even looking forward to celebrating it this year!  Because it’s not a reflection of something that my son is missing but of what I can provide him.  Love unconditional. his “father’s” absence is a reflection of my strength.