The time after that is merely guiding, shaping, and helping the seeds I plant grow.  Every child is different and every child learns differently.  As a child I was spanked however I do not use that as justification as to why I may spank my son.  I mention it because it’s important to know and acknowledge ones background.

I would like to start off by stating that there is a difference between spanking your child and beating/abusing your child just like there is a difference between art and pornography.  My approach differs from that of my parents which focused (as I remember) mostly on spanking as the prime deterrent after verbal correction failed. 

As my son became of the age where discipline tools where needed I initially started with counting. 

Counting initially didn’t work.  I remember when it began to have significance was when I popped him on his hand.  Before you get alarmed let me apprise you of the situation…he was about to touch something hot that could have burned him and I popped his hand away—instinctively to keep him from hurting himself.  He cried, I cried, and apologized profusely because I had not intended to pop him but it was an instinctive reaction and because of that instinct I had caused him harm.  I cried because at the time I felt he was afraid and that the source of his fees was me.  That was never my intention, never my goal, never my aim.  

I read an article back in 2019 that caused me to pause and think about my parenting style; “I’m A Black Mom And I Don’t Spank My Children”
While I appreciate the article because I think as parents it’s important that we hear all sides, consider all opinions when it comes to something so sensitive and personal as disciplining our children; the article left me frustrated because in it she failed to expound on her methods of disciplining her children without spanking them.  Truly a lot of articles I have read about the “evils of corporal punishment” or spanking (as I term it) as a method of disciplining your child fail to provide parents with alternative solutions. 
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​I am a firm believer that as a parent I have about the first seven years to instill in my child the morals, beliefs, discipline, etc that I want him to have. {According to Geechi it's 6! 🧑🏾‍🦳}

​After that, I went into a slight depression and began to indulge him in everything that he wanted, to try and make up for my “error”.  My apologizing just didn’t seem enough to me and I fell into the trap of trying to use things to buy my son’s affection/forgiveness.  Luckily, my mom educated me that I was not going to be a perfect parent but that I was a perfect parent for Jeremy and I needed to remember that!

So I moved to including Time Out.  Because I live with my parents this was a double challenge because it requires consistency and buy in from the grandparents.  The first time I tried it it seemed to have an impact.  I accidentally thought that his requests to go “potty” was a stall tactic so we had a slight accident 🤦🏾‍♀️.  After I cleaned him up we talked about appropriate behavior and what mommy expects.  We hugged and then he went back to playing a little wiser.  This methods has become a great addition to my arsenal as he gets older.
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I realize that while my child is not an adult he do have feelings and desires 🤯.  Go figure!  Just like there are days when  I don’t want to go to work or times I don’t want to clean or wash the dishes; he feels that way too so I need to take that into consideration.  Now, I’m not saying that if he doesn’t feel like picking up his toys it’s okay to not do it; but acknowledging that feeling verbally to him and explaining that it still has to be done has helped. 

In the hustle of life it’s easy to discipline but what about praising?  When I see Jeremy doing things correctly or displaying good behavior I praise him for it.  I try to set a goal that for every time I discipline incorrect behavior I praise good behavior.  It can get a little tricky when you have others who correct your child (aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, heck even strangers) but it’s important to try.  My goal no matter what is to praise him 3x a day for good behavior at the very least. 

What’s your posture?  Are you standing over your child or are you eye to eye with them.  Getting “on his level” helps him pay attention and focus.  It also changes the dynamics and imparts a shared goal or feeling; and air of mutual respect.  I leaned this trick in medical school when talking with patients.  If I’m talking about serious health issues or engaging in a discussion; I always sit down.  No one wants to be lectured over,  not even me!

Anyone who knows me knows I despise repeating myself.  Raising a toddler I find that repeating myself raises my frustration level which is not his fault.  As a toddler his attention span is smaller than a gnat 😝.  So my patience must my grow.  If I find myself getting more frustrated than the situation calls for I stop and evaluate is this a battle I’m willing to fight.  Not every battle is worth fighting, trust me.  Geechi (my mom for new readers) asked me once if Jeremy wanted to wear a black shoe and a red shoe would I let him do that.  I thought for a moment and asked are the shoes on the correct foot. She looked at me surprised and said “Yes”.  Then I said "Yep" I would.  It’s not a battle worth fighting.  I’d rather spend my energy elsewhere like getting him to eat foods he doesn’t like but are nutritious for him.  So take a moment, is the situation worth the escalation?  Also taking a moment helps me cool down a bit and remember that my frustration is heightened not by him but by my frustration at having to repeat myself which I need to put in check. 

Is spanking off the table completely for me?  No, it’s not.  Is it my first go to method of discipline?  No, it’s not.  Do I think hitting my child in anger teaches them that it’s okay to hit in anger?  Yes!  Should you ever hit your child in anger? No!  But here’s the crux that gets a lot of parents I’ve talked to—you shouldn’t discipline your child in anger either.  Time out, counting down, plucking, antagonizing, ignoring bad behavior, removing children from the situation techniques should NEVER be used in anger.  So when would I use spanking as a mode of discipline?  In short; willful disobedience.

So have I had to spank my 3 year old?  Not yet.  Do I think I ever will?  I hope not but if I do here are my rules:

Teaching a toddler new things can be a joy and a struggle.

Here are 5 things that I am using to help me as I'm teaching Jeremy how to brush his teeth.

Sing a Song:  I know it sounds crazy.  But for my little one brushing his teeth was an odd thing for him.  Sure I did it and he was cool with that but he was initially a little resistant to the actual brush and not my finger brush.  So capitalizing on his love of music I made up a song and involved him in the process

Take one for the team:  Sacrifice is sometimes needed to achieve your ultimate goal.  You mouth might be sore as well as your gums and tongue but letting your little on practice on you can be a great way to demonstrate there is nothing to fear and you can show you little one the correct way to hold her/his mouth as your brush their teeth to make sure the job is done.

Go to the Dollar Store:  Trust me!  I got suckered and bought my little one a character toothbrush and it lasted all of a week.  Before I knew it it was chewed up and the bristles were bent 🤦🏾‍♀️.  Imagine spending between $3.99 to $6.99 every week on a toothbrush.  So I quickly went to my local Dollar Store and picked up some tooth brushes.  They were a huge hit!  They came two to a pack which was $0.50 a brush and they had a little suction cup bottom which he finds entertaining.

Fluoride Free Toothpaste:  Yep it’s a bit expensive I’m not going to lie but at the beginning your little one is going to be eating and swallowing the toothpaste so you may end up having to use more than the recommended amount.  As your little one gets used to brushing their teeth and spitting vs swallowing then you can make the switch.

Brush together:  Kids mimic what they see us do.  As much as you may cherish your private bathroom time opening your door up and allowing your little one to see you engage in your grooming ritual will help them figure out what to do and how to do it.

It’s hard out here!  Let me tell you!  For those that have found their mates and are in happy relationships…CONGRATULATIONS!  However for those of us who are still kissing frogs, worms, slugs, pugs, and so on the end of a relationship can be hard.

I recently ended a relationship that had been on and off again for the last 2 years.  It left me heartbroken to end it because I was in love.  Suffering repeated heartbreak and disappointment can leave one feeling jaded, unloved, and defeated.  In my 42 years I have been unlucky in my search but I still remain optimistic and a hopeless romantic by doing these 5 things.

There is always one side another side and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.  This is the hardest step for me to really look back and be honest about things in any relationship that I could have done differently or better.  It easy to remember and recall the faults or errors of others but so difficult sometimes to acknowledge our own.  Sometimes there is not fault to be laid at your feet and sometimes there is.

You don’t have to go to the person and say I forgive you; that isn’t always possible or advisable.  But the act of purposefully and fully forgiving the other person and yourself is key.  The act of forgiving opens you up and frees you from the baggage of past hurts

Sometimes in relationships that end others can try and tear your down mentally and emotionally.  Sometimes we can begin to doubt our self worth.  Our confidence can get hammered; especially when we look at our friends who have found their special someone.  We can turn inward and wonder “why not me” “what’s wrong with me”?  Well nothing is!  If you have fully addressed and been honest with yourself about your part or lack of let in your relationships end then you can quickly see that there is nothing wrong with you.  The act of comparison can be a foothold for your self worth to be annihilated.  So stop comparing!  If you know your worth, acknowledge your worth and declare your worth then there is no reason to compare yourself to anyone else.

It’s easy to go into full wall up and protective mode when your heart is broken.  It’s a naturally reaction.  However there is a difference between caring and protecting your heart and walling yourself and your heart off.  Protect yourself,  pay attention to the red flags, your inner “woman” sense, your knowledge from past experiences in your life.  Be knowledgeable and wise in your actions, be careful but do not wall yourself off in loneliness.  By forgiving the other person it’s easier to trust.

If you love yourself first you are never without love.  If you love yourself first and fully then the love of another is extra and becomes a treat not a necessity.  Falling steadily in love with ones self is the best love affair.  It's a love affair to remember!

Have you ever heard a song or even a whole album that takes you down memory lane?  Well a few weeks ago I was riding in the car with Geechi and The Temptations album Truly For You circa 1984 started playing and I was immediately teleported back in time.  I can remember listening to the album on tape in my parents car as we went up the road to visit family in the country.  I love that music has that ability to transport you in time; it’s like ones own time machine.

I remember listening to the album and being mesmerized by the harmonies and vocals.  While the album in total is great I have my favorite tracks that instantly bring a smile to my face. 

I can remember this song crooning through the speakers and my dad singing parts of the song and looking at my mom and my mom grinning.  I remember thinking that I wanted to be treated like a lady; it seemed nice.  Something to aim for.  “Now I like opening doors—Picking up her hanky off the floor—Treat her like a lady”

Growing up and being watched by my grandmother I grew up watching soap operas. One of my favorites was Santa Barbra (oooo I’m showing my age). I remember watching soap operas where love was found on romantic beaches and islands. This song reminds me of those island episodes with its percussion and synthesizer melodies. Love being lost on the beach as the sunsets.

This last song with its syncopated rhythm and synthesizers is a great song to uplift and encourage everyone to lend a help to others in need.  “I wanna ease the pain, (that life can bring)/Help them find a peace, mmm (their spirit needs)/Have been chosen for (a work to do)/To make this world a much better place/For me and you”. Looking for a song to get you started look no further than this song particularly this month—the months of love and the dedicated month to celebrate a history that is 366 days a year Black History!